It is late afternoon, the hospital is a still and quiet void. I am alone in a room of muted colors nude and green. It smells of lilacs picked fresh still wet with rain and left in my metal water jug.
The room is dim except for the faint streams of light coming through the shutters of the only window. I can hear the seagulls, sirens, the noise of traffic, a whole world continuing to exist in another summer blooming beyond the terror of my reality.
I feel like a moth trapped in a glass I so want my world back.
I realize now the horror of last year was merely a dark harbinger to a fate I cannnot escape, my only wish is to wake up from this nightmare.
If love was still here to hold my hand I could feel anchored but now I am drifting in the middle of an open sea and I can't find my way back home.
When the pain becomes unbearable I try to find a safe place to hide in the good memories I once had, but as the illness progresses and my memory fades like a scared child I can only cry under a pile of blankets.
I am still being filmed kepted alone under surveillance.
I never had to question what it is to be brave till now. I always believed myself to be fearless that I lived life with courage but this year, these past few days in emergency and hospital wards my strenght is crumbling. Being sick wears you down, it strips you down of of your pride, your image, your dignity of everything you held to, of everyone you loved.
This disease is destroying my body from the inside out and slowly I am now begining to loose my cognitive faculties. I want to write this while I still have the mind to-
To my dear friends who supported, cared, defended and held me through the worst days, you girls were my guardian angels. Thank you.
To the brothers who I could rely on to protect me, to make me laugh inspite of circumstance, you were my knights in shinning armour. Thank you.
To my sister who has been a tower of strenght, you are a saint. Thank you.
To my mother who always forgives me, thank you for your prayers.
To the lost friends who returned to bring me comfort, company and flowers, it meant the world. Thank you.
To J. who's affection and humour helped me survive those early months and gave me a reason to be brave, dream and hope, thank you.
Dont worry, I understand now.
I hope though some summer lightning storm you'll think of me and know where ever I am, whatever happens to me I'll remember you with love.